Life has been odd lately. Not bad but definitely unexpected. I have spent recent times immersed in conversations that taken me from elation to pain and everything in between. I’ve cried more in the last couple of days than I have in months as I’ve hurt for others and struggled with my own issues rising to the surface. I’ve also laughed more than I have in months and it’s not an entirely unwelcome balance. I feel like there’s a boundary being crossed from the light & fluffy getting to know you stage of favorite foods and musical taste to the more substantial stage that starts to touch on the less public facets of one’s self. Not unwelcome but unexpected, so very unexpected and unnerving as I wasn’t prepared to face the possibility of such vulnerability again. Ever. I have lived the past five years content with the knowledge that one person held the keys to all my darker issues and despite the seemingly complete lack of attachment, there is complete trust that those keys will never be abused. Beyond that, I have been happy with relationships defined by carefully controlled connections, an opening of self to safe levels that allowed a bit of emotional interaction without the messiness of attachment and vulnerability. And so it’s with an odd disconnect that I watch myself slowly open to that very messiness and wonder what the hell just happened, what is different about these initial talks from countless others that rendered all safety precautions into motes of dust. I hear my logical side fussing about the insaneness of it all, the pointlessness, warning of the seemingly inevitable crash like an exasperated mother “you’re going to make a mess and I’ll be the one cleaning it up.” Telling me to step back now, listen but don’t share, offer comfort and advise but for the love of all that is sane, nothing of yourself. My initial reaction is to pull back, retreat back inside where it’s safe. It’s my first instinct and yet some part of me struggles against it. There’s a trust already blooming, the attachment is already winding a way through me and though I could be cut it off now there would already be a void. It’s crazy and insane and stupid and exhausting and energizing and totally completely illogical. And yet…here I am.
Stupid music. I’m done now.