I sat outside this evening under our massive lilac bush (really more of a tree) and watched Jon work on my car. It was quite hot. HE was quite hot being all mechanical – the temperature outside was perfect. Of course I happen to enjoy watching him…never tire of it actually.  Until recently we didn’t have the luxury of touch. We could only communicate via webcam & phone. Now we are able to hug each other after work or cuddle after dinner and it’s marvelous but I still very much enjoy just sitting back and soaking in him, his mannerisms and his expressions. Hotness.

I’m trying to figure out how to pull off everything right now. (Seque? Huh?) I want to be the perfect “housewife” and perfect mother and perfect employee and my ideal self. And I KNOW it’s not possible to be perfect at everything all the time or even some things most of the time. But that doesn’t stop me from getting very frustrated when the green beans are barely edible (like tonight) or I consider how far away from healthy habits I’ve gotten or when I realize school starts Monday and I haven’t bought school clothes yet or or or….  So really the only way to handle it is to get back almost to the point of obsessiveness. Honestly if I’m working out at least once a day (twice is ideal) and my diet is ultra strict, everything else falls into place pretty easily. I don’t need nearly as much sleep and I can keep more balls in the air.

I KNOW Jon doesn’t expect perfect gourmet meals everyday. TheKid doesn’t expect me to be homeroom mother and president of the PTA. My bosses don’t expect me to single handedly grow our business or work 50 hours a week. But if I’m not striving for something close to that, where would I end up? I hate the idea of being lazy and I’m very unhappy with the way I’m running my life right now. Not to be confused with how I feel about my life in general. Overall I’m happier than I’ve been in…a LONG time. Home is wonderful, work is great…I’m just not happy with myself. I’m not happy with what I’m contributing to my own existence. I feel like I can better serve myself and my family.  So I’ll spend this weekend doing some ultra planning. It’s time to regain some of my tendency towards neuroticism. After we go hiking at Camel’s Back that is…

1 Comment

  1. Hey girl…YEAH…you sound great. I know what you mean about not being happy with yourself. Just think how great things will be when you get everything on the same page 🙂 Enjoy that hike! Hugs, Dede

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s