Someday we’ll laugh. Today is not that day.

First of all – that “bug” I mentioned over a week ago was bronchitis. I voluntarily went to the doctor that Monday and if you know me at ALL you understand exactly how bad I was feeling. I was off work until Wednesday and out of the gym  until this week. I’m back to my normal schedule now except I still can’t be too active without my lungs & throat seizing up and I still get worn out very easily. But overall I’m functional and very glad to be so.

Now. On to today’s story. First let me start with a picture.

This is TheKid in August of 2009. And yes, he is eating a cold can of condensed cheddar cheese soup. I ranted about it back then. Summary – he was busted sneaking in the kitchen around midnight one night. This open can of soup was in his room; he was attempting to retrieve a spoon for it. We later discovered a piece of coffee cake & a couple of hot dogs forgotten in the back of the fridge missing as well. He basically looked for the junkiest things he could find in the house & wolfed them while he thought we were asleep.

Multiple times we have found candy & chip wrappers hidden under his bed, in the top of his closet and in his pillow case. Multiple times food has turned up missing in the house but NO ONE knows what happened to it. Junk food that is. Oddly enough fruit and yogurt NEVER disappear.

Yesterday in fact…yesterday when I got home Jon asked me if I’d taken the package of fruit snacks off the top of the microwave. Of COURSE I didn’t. They’re not chocolate. But no one else knows where they went either. Must’ve been Fred.

Today on the way home all I could think about was the Symphony bar that was on top of the fridge. I just wanted one square. Just a taste. That’s all man. Just a smidgen. Technically it was TheKid’s but I was planning to ask nicely and bribe him with the allowance of a square before dinner if necessary. But then I get home and….it’s gone. It was there last night. It was there this morning. Now it’s not. Before slinging accusations I queried my husband. He’s not nearly the chocolate fiend that I am but he appreciates a nice piece on occassion. But of course, he hadn’t touched it.

Oddly enough – NEITHER HAD ANYONE ELSE. No one had seen it. No one had touched it. Of COURSE no one had eaten it.

My husband dearest took his life and limb into his own hands and braved the boys’ room. In the top of the closet he found candy wrappers but none of the recently missing items. Then he looked in TheKid’s book bag. And lo and behold, there lay the Symphony bar.

Do you remember those pens that were all the rage back in the early 90s that wrote with invisible ink? And the only way to see the writing was to rub over the area with the corresponding pen? Maybe I’m dating myself here. Anyway. Apparently my husband and I have “STUPID” tattooed on our foreheads in an ink that is invisible to everything except the gaze of a teenager. Because that 13 year old boy had the nerve to look us in the face, with his history and  with the candy bar IN HIS BAG, and tell us he had no idea how it got there. That it was a possibility his (12 yr old) brother was framing him. That he had nothing to do with it. And he maintained this story FOR AN HOUR. AN HOUR.

My husband is apparently much more lenient and understanding than I am. While I was talking myself down from throttling him on the spot, trying to decide if a belt to the hindquarters can be considered abuse (my father would unequivocally say it is not) and contemplating a myriad of punishments that would last the next 5 years, my husband was calmly giving him an option. He had one more chance to tell us the truth and if he did, his punishment would be equivalent to if he’d been honest when the candy was first discovered missing. In essence, we would forget the hour of bold face lying ever took place. I’m seeing red and my husband is offering mercy and grace.

TheKid is not stupid. TheKid does stupid things but he is no way unintelligent. Of course he took the offer. He had to miss youth group tonight. We took his cell phone. He had to write a letter of apology & explanation. But his WoW account isn’t getting canceled, I’m not usurping his Facebook account, he will get to see the light of day…and keep breathing.

Someday this will be amusing. Right?

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