I stood in church yesterday during the first song, unable to sing. It was a praise song, one of my favorites, but I couldn’t. I was mad. All I could think was “Why. I don’t understand. Why take HIM? From THAT FAMILY? Haven’t they dealt with enough? Why this?”
Then the song transitioned into “Our God (is Greater)” the chorus of which says
“Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God… “
Todd wasn’t healed…at least not physically. But he was healed emotionally and spiritually (per a post from his brother – obviously I haven’t spoken to him to know personally). And God whispered, aren’t those the more important aspects?
I. Lost. It.
I sobbed through the rest of the set from anger and just an overwhelming conviction. Because.
I cling to that statement of peace from his brother. Because I can’t contemplate the alternative and the very IDEA reduces me to a sobbing mess because it occurs to me that where people stand spiritually hasn’t been nearly the concern it should be. It’s rarely something that crosses my mind except for the occasional rote ‘please open so and so’s heart to You’, recited out of habit and checklist, not out of love when really it should be forefront of my heart and mind on a regular basis. I should be crying out to God, begging Him to soften hearts, to work miracles in lives.
Conviction, yes. But also. Anger. Because really. Still. The suffering? Why? You’re Greater God. So why? I HEARD God tell me “I’m still in charge you know.” But I ignored it. I was mad and a sobbing mess and just. Grrrr. I was drained by the end of service from the sheer act of ignoring Him. It’s so easy to toss around the phrase “We live in a broken world.” We DO. But still. My husband (after reminding me about the suffering he watched as his grandfather died) stated “In the light of eternity, what’s a few days of suffering?”
This morning I was reading Exodus. And I couldn’t get pass the fact that God let his chosen people suffer. It just kept beating me about the head. He let His chosen people suffer. For generations. For a purpose that wasn’t to be fulfilled for many generations after that.
And then I recalled a conversation I had with LilBit last weekend. I told him we were stopping at the store on the way to church. He sighed heavily. We got done at Walgreens and as he skipped out he said “I thought we were going to the grocery store! Not Walgreens!” (He HATES the grocery store.) I replied “I didn’t specify which store.” He proceeded to inform me that I SHOULD have. And I said….and I quote “Why? You weren’t driving. All you have to do is ride along and trust me.”
I don’t know why this family has to deal with this. I don’t have to like it. Which is good. Because I don’t. But I don’t have to understand it either. All I have to do is ride along and trust Him.